17-year-old Nigerian student Amarachi (Amy) Shedrack discusses victim blaming, rape culture, mental health and more.

Warning: This story mentions rape and sexual assault, which could be triggering to some readers.

In my country of Nigeria, one in four girls is sexually assaulted before they reach the age of 18. There are many reasons why victims don’t report the crimes — denial, shame, fear of retaliation, fear of too much time has passed or not enough evidence, thoughts of "it is normal," “it is my fault" or "it's not significant," or because the perpetrator is someone they know. Sometimes it’s a combination of all of these things. Exacerbating many of these issues is the fact that many don’t trust the judicial process, which is easy to understand when you consider the fact that there were zero convictions of sexual offences in Nigeria in 2017.

As a teenager growing up in Lagos, I was taught about rape in school from an early age. My teachers taught me about some of the myths surrounding rape, such as victims are to be blamed because of how they dress or act, only bad girls get raped, most rapes are committed by strangers and many more. In the news I read more about sexual violence and how victims suffer emotionally and psychologically. But aside from learning about it in class and through the media, I realised that my community didn’t talk much about rape. For some people, it’s a taboo topic that they don’t want to discuss. Others normalise rape — particularly marital rape — and believe that husbands have the right to have sex with their wives anytime they want. When rape is internalised and normalised like this, it allows the perpetrator to walk free, knowing they won’t be held accountable for their actions.

In 2020, after learning about the rape and murder of 22-year-old student Uwaila Vera Omozuwa in Benin, Nigeria and reading about other assaults in my country, I decided I needed to speak out. Rape victims weren't getting the support they deserved. By reading my writing on the topic, I hoped that readers would be able to understand this issue and how to prioritise survivors’ well-being, mental health and wishes.

Over a year ago, I came across a fellow blogger named A.G.* who wrote about her experience with sexual violence. A.G. — who currently lives in Germany — was raped in Egypt in 2018. Like the vast majority of sexual violence victims, the attacker was someone that she knew. A.G. has blogged about her experiences and I wanted to help amplify her voice.

I reached out to A.G. to discuss victim blaming, rape culture, mental health and more. After our conversation, I realised that there are so many myths about rape that we need to debunk — such as that rape is not a violent act, that only bad girls get raped and that victims asked for it by flirting and consuming alcohol. We need to shift the narrative away from blaming the victim and focus instead on the rapist.

Many victims are afraid to speak up about what happened to them because they are worried about how their family and society will view them. Each one of us has a role to play in debunking these myths and ensuring that victims are supported when they share their experiences. We need to change perceptions of rape and believe victims. We need to support them through their healing process and center their wants and needs in everything we do. I hope this conversation helps to enlighten us about what the rape victim goes through and how we can best advocate for their wishes.

Amarachi Shedrack (AS): How did you feel after the attack and how did it affect your mental health?

A.G: That is the worst experience I had in my entire life. It made time stop, I felt stuck in time. I could not think or sleep. I also felt a lot of shame, a lot of guilt. I hated my body, because it felt filthy. I was also terrified of the whole world. I feared talking to anyone I knew, that they might also be as bad as the rapist. I was also terrified that they might know what I went through. I was scared to be judged, because no one would understand. My mind was blocked for months afterwards, endless flashbacks with the least triggers from the surrounding.

There are actually different phases mentally. Phase one: Denial (first 24 to 48 hours). This night I did not sleep except a couple of hours. I was numb, empty and unable to understand what happened. Usually in such painful situations, the brain delays the comprehension of the shock to the longest possible point of time. Our brains are programmed to protect us. This is what my mind did the first 24 hours. It prevented me from understanding what that was.

Phase two: Realizing what happened (24 hours to six months after). I started to realize what happened to me. When I started to understand what was about to come. When I did not know anything except that I am in so much pain, horror and emptiness. I was in incomprehensible pain. It was invisible, hard and abusive pain. It hit every part of my soul. It left me unwilling to move. I was terrified. I was fully surrounded with threats.

It is mainly that I was on a roller coaster. One moment I am numb and silent. The second moment, I am seeking acceptance. The third moment I am terrified of the world. The fourth moment I am in endless rage.

AS: How did you attempt to heal from your trauma? Did you talk to someone?

A.G.: I am normally a strong person. It was hard for me to accept being the victim that way. It was close to impossible to move on on my own. In the beginning, I tried talking to my trusted best friend. He was quite accepting, and he did a lot of readings in the background to know how to better help me. He was mostly by my side. I tried to talk to a couple of my friends, but they were all helpless. It was very hard for them to understand how to help me, and so I stepped back.

Meanwhile, I wanted to heal. I hated being that weak and broken. So, I found here in Germany an institute which helps women psychologically, especially victims of violence, either domestic or sexual. So, I had that consultant to talk to. She was very very VERY helpful. I met her five times over five weeks. First two sessions, I was mostly talking about myself, and she was helping me sort out my feelings. I was also doing a lot of readings with the help of my best friend to sort out my thoughts. The third (or fourth session), my husband (my ex now) joined me, since I wanted her to explain to him what I go through, I was hoping he could understand and stand beside me. But in the last session, she said he is one big obstacle for me to heal. So, I was even stronger that I left him and found my path to heal. That lady helped me get rid of the "harming myself" feeling. She helped me accept myself. She told me it is okay to be hurting, and it is better to accept the phase I am in. She was quite helpful. She also told me, "the stronger I am, the longer it will take to heal". I was worried how long it might take. In the beginning, the days were so slow, then the weeks were also adding and counting. Until I could reach the six months mark, where I was still in so much pain, but started to feel some light ahead.

AS: Did you tell your family about your experience immediately or did you hesitate? If you hesitated, was it because of fear?

A.G.: It was in different stages. After 12 hours, I told two of my best friends: a girl and a man. I was not scared, but I was wishing to get a safe window to talk and understand what just happened. After three days, I told my mum, and I was planning not to tell her. Not because of fear. But because I was worried that it would harm her emotional balance. I hated that she would feel sorry for me, that it would cause her pain. But I had to go to tell her, since she is a gynecologist, and I needed pills to make sure I was not pregnant. When I tried to go to another doctor, I was not able to allow anyone to see my body or touch me. So, I gathered all my strength to talk to her in the clinic.

After eight days, I told my then husband, and that was scary. I feared his reaction, and his anger. I was determined though inside, that if he cannot help me, we should get a divorce. We were not on good terms anyway. So, if he cannot stand by my side when I need it the most, then he does not deserve being my husband.

AS: Were you ever blamed for what happened to you? And if so, by whom?

A.G.: I was blamed. Few times. My mum, she thought I left my body for him to do what he likes. Then she stopped, and she tried to gather her thoughts. I could forgive her. My best friend, he thought I was equally guilty as the rapist, because I went to his place without having doubts he might do anything wrong. Then he stopped, and I could forgive him. My husband at that time accused me of being unfaithful. He felt I deserved this because I am not the right wife for him. He could not accept me being raped. He could do nothing, so he blamed and shamed me for being the "dirty" person. Of course I left him afterwards, I could not handle being treated that way. And I wanted to find peace and heal.

AS: How does the society you reside in view rape?

A.G.: I come from two different places. Egypt and Europe. In Egypt, it is a taboo. It is a horrible reputation to say you are a rape victim. Girls will never be married again, and their fathers have to lock them home forever. She is no longer of any use because she was touched by a stranger — regardless of her consent.

In Europe, it is a bit easier, but still not that developed yet. Here you can find more institutions to help women of sexual assaults. But still, it always depends on the family and the woman herself. Some women have the courage to speak up and still feel confident. But the majority will tend to hide, and keep everything inside. It is a very hard topic to talk about anywhere. But for those who manage to speak up, they heal in a way or another.

AS: How do you think governments and societies address rape?

A.G.: In some countries, it is impossible to prove it. In most of the cases, they will find a reason to say it was the woman's fault. Especially that in most of the cases, the mental state of the victims in the first few days where she might have a way to prove it, is very unstable. It would be impossible for her to go alone and file a case. It would also be very hard to go and talk to anyone about it without being scared.

AS: What can you say about the case of victim blaming? Do you think anyone else is to blame or only the rapist?

A.G.: Victim blaming in general is a catastrophe. It leaves very deep scars on the victim, and it magnifies self-hatred, self-disgust and feeling of rejection. This does not help in healing! In many of the articles I read, it was mentioned many times that no means no. Even if the victim was accepting in the beginning, and then changed her mind, this counts as rape. So, no matter what, the victim should never be blamed for the illegal actions of others.

AS: Would you say that you've healed from your experience?

A.G.: Yes. Now, for me, this is a story of someone else. I feel and relate to all of its details. But it feels that this is a story of someone else. I myself was someone else at that time. My personality after the rape became different. This made me accept that this happened, and it made me move on with my life. But honestly, it was a VERY long trip. When I thought in the beginning it might take three months to heal. I realized at the six months mark that it would take much longer. The first 60-70% healing took almost seven to eight months. The last 30% to heal took almost two more years!

AS: What advice would you give to other victims out there?

A.G.: Get the help of a trusted person. You did nothing wrong, and you are going through this VERY TOUGH experience but life will get so much better afterwards. Seek help, even anonymously online. But it definitely helps to be heard. Anyone who judges you, or shames you does not deserve to be around you. Embrace the pain you are going through. Sometimes you have ways to get your rights back, take the steps! If you cannot, it is also your right. In all cases, you are a victim of such a violence crime. Find the light within you, either spiritually by religion, or meditation. But look for your soul, it will flourish to a new you, which will be everything you truly deserve to be.

*Editor’s note: A.G. is a pseudonym.

Resources

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline here or by calling 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) for U.S. readers, or find local resources in your country here.